Daily Count #1: A Comparison Between China 2015 and China 2017

As I’ve said before, China sucks the living soul out of me and does absolute wonders for my mental health. So, since I’ve had a pretty bad day today, I decided to do a comparison and see if I’ve gotten better in the two years.

Year	Time I Got Up	Food Consumed	Water Consumed	Bathroom Breaks	Suicidal Thoughts/’I Want to Die’s	Mental Breakdowns	Attempts of Suicidal Attempts
2015	4 pm	Nothing	None	1	Too many to count	5-6	1
2017	1 pm	A bowl of mashed potatoes	5 sips	1	In the 30s	3	0

All in all, progress! Right? (I’m trying a new thing out, it’s called optimism. Apparently being hopeful 1/10 times is not enough to qualify for it, so I have to force myself way out of my comfort zone. Still getting used to it–very hard and uncomfortable to do, but I think I’m getting there.) Anyways, in summation, I have a long way to go :/. What can I do except take that road (and no, I’m not going to think about the easy way out)?

 

With determination for tomorrow,

Elpis

Realization?

You know what’s funny? I never expected anyone to view any of my posts or even see my blog. But then they did and I got used to the tiny bit of validation that came with each like. And as soon as the visitors stopped coming, I drew even further into myself. There weren’t even that many likes, that many views! I was just attention-starved and each click held more weight than it should have.

I guess I’ve learned my lesson now. I’m just writing for myself. After all, this blog is mainly for me and if anyone happens to come by, that’s fine too.

One day I’ll learn self-love and I won’t need validation. That day is not today, but I’ll try I guess. I’ll try and I won’t give up (completely). For now, I’ll just stop looking at the stats of my blog and do everything for myself. Is that selfish?

 

With a promise to myself,

Elpis

Help Needed

Here is my flyer for details:

LOST: Elpis’ sass. DETAILS: Last seen Thursday night, provoked by an immature boy who made my eyes roll into my head. Please email elpisloveshersass@gmail.com if you find it. P.S. The irony that Elpis even has sass is not lost on me. REWARD: Nothing.

Comment and let me know if you have found it please. I think my sass has become a crucial part of me now, a part which I may not be able to function without.

 

Thank you,

Elpis

A Documentation of Depression

Confession: every time I go to China, I fall into a deep depression, I never get anything done, and I always regret it later.

I know it’s happening currently, and technically, I’m already gone. But I tried so hard. I tried so, so hard to keep my head up, to keep breathing, to push my feelings to the back of my mind. I tried so hard to pretend I was living a desirable life and having the best summer ever. I tried so hard to be normal, to be happy and peppy and mimic the person I once was. I tried so hard–tried to “fake it until I made it”. But obviously I failed. And now it’s like I’m watching a movie, knowing that a main character was about to die and feeling that anticipation and horror, all the while unable to do anything to change the outcome. I know I’m going to do nothing the whole summer, I know I’m not going to change the world, I know I’m going to disappoint the people around me, I know my friendships will become more and more strained, I know I’ll fail myself by not living up to my set standards, I know that each time I fail to do something, I’ll only be exponentially increasing the stress for myself. Yet despite knowing all this, it’s impossible for me to stop it (easy as it may seem to outsiders). It leaves me with the bitter taste in my mouth that tells me in an assured tone: You’ll only change the world by rotting the people around you and you’ll never go anywhere without tainting your surroundings with your negativity.

This isn’t a happy post. This isn’t a post that’s supposed to spread hope. This is a documentation of how hard it is to live with a mental illness like mine. This is a documentation of how I feel, plain and simple. I wish I could give you more than that. I wish I could offer words of comfort to those who may need it, crack a joke, give some wise insight into the world. Alas, I am currently blinded by my own inability to live. Take what you will from this post, dear readers. And for those who are going through the same thing as I, you are validated in your pain. You are not weak, nor selfish, nor useless. Take your time as I will mine. Thanks for reading and bearing with me. I realize this was a pretty heavy post and I hope that from here on out, my posts will be lighter and more helpful (as I said they would be in my first post).

 

To a better future and better health for us all,

Elpis

A Disclaimer (or First Post, Whatever You Want to Call It)

Hey there world. I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t expect anyone to find this, much less read it. If you happen to have done any of the above, you probably either stumbled upon this page by accident or found it on purpose, expecting me to solve your existential questions and show you how to change the world. But that’s not going to happen, I apologize. I’m no godsend and I definitely don’t know how to change the world. My title and blog might be a bit misleading, I’ll give you that, but there is an intent behind it. I created this blog to figure things out myself (things being life, how to change the world, and other classic existential issues). I created this blog to help myself, but I also created it in hopes that if anyone were to ever read it, it would at the very least provide a laugh and maybe some ‘what not to do’ scenarios. So you might not have found an answer to your questions today, but (I can’t believe I’m saying/writing this of all the cliche things…) just know you’re not alone. And if I ever figure out how to really change the world, I’ll give you a shout.

 

Wishing you better luck than I,

Elpis